These past couple of months I have been working to find my new normal with training and life in general.
For me the most difficult part has been not being able to train like I was and stopping my cutting process mid cut so suddenly. I have said before that bodybuilding is just as tough mentally as it is physically. When you watch your body transform into the lean, muscular physique required for stage it is incredible and yes you feel pretty damn good. Stage lean is not something that is maintainable or healthy but all the hard work to get there sure makes you appreciate it so much.
Reversing back to a normal body state usually takes time. Watching your body lose the leanness and adding back on that needed body fat can be such a mind fuck! No matter how long I do this sport or how many competitions I do it doesn't seem to get any easier.
In the past couple of months I have put back on the weight I lost while cutting and the body fat has come back as well. The first three weeks when I couldn't workout at all I didn't track my food much. As a bodybuilder I knew that not tracking and eating like I was would cause me to gain back the weight and bodyfat faster but that is the road I chose.
As the body fat came back I have to admit that I was thrilled to get my butt back along with some fuller boobs. For me personally my boobs and my butt are what I tend to lose first and to see them fuller again does make me feel good. I'm a bit thicker around the middle, my clothes are fitting a bit tighter and I miss the definition in my arms.
These things may sound a bit silly but when you find yourself feeling happy and confident in your own skin it's hard to lose some of that, and I have lost some of that. The good part is that I can acknowledge it and I know what to do to get back my happy and confidence within myself. You can hear praise from other people, even those you love and adore so much but it comes down to how you feel about yourself.
These next few weeks I will be refocusing on my goals, adding in some cardio and trying to add some more intensity to my workouts. The hard part is not truly knowing my limits right now. My left leg is still giving me some issues and I am truly grateful that is only my left leg I am having problems with!
Through all of this I had started to notice that I just wasn't feeling like myself. I felt almost like I was walking around in a "fog". It would take real thought to get myself to focus on things, my exhaustion was horrible and I just didn't feel at all like "me".
I have been on antianxiety and antidepression medication for a very long time. These medications certainly helped me through many hardships in life but something has felt different. When I was in the hospital my meds got a bit messed up so I wasn't on them for over a week and I felt pretty good. Once I started them up again I went into this strange fog.
After talking with my doctor we decided that it would be a good idea for me to stop taking the medication and see how I do. My life has changed drastically, I still have so many stressors like everyone else but life overall has changed. Through so much hard work over the past year with therapy and finding what works for me my mindset has changed from a negative one to a very positive one. I am surrounded by like minded people with positive spirits who provide so much love and support. What a difference it makes in life when you find your positivity and find the courage to remove the negatives from your life.
As each day passes no longer taking the medication I was on life has become so much clearer. I no longer feel like I am in a fog and actually feel like I have better control over my emotions. It was a scary step to make such a big change but I can see clearly that I needed it.
Now back to the business of building some more muscle mass before competing next year. I have found that my left leg can handle machine weight lifting pretty well, it's the barbell work it doesn't like anymore, dang it!!! At least I hit my 300lb deadlift before Transverse Myelitis, that was just meant to be.
My next appointment with my neurologist is in May and I am more than ready for it. The improvements over these last couple of months have been awesome and I realize my left leg may be in this "sleepy" state forever. But I can still walk, I can still lift and I can even play sand volleyball, life is good and I am so damn grateful.
