The Mental Game

The mental game can be incredibly tough, having an outlet is so important.  You need people in your tribe who you can fully trust and that you are completely comfortable sharing with.  We are all our own worst critics, especially when we are faced with unexpected challenges.  It takes time to train your mind to be positive, to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.  I will forever be a work in progress and definitely stumble at times.  I am so grateful for those in my tribe who listen without judgement and offer simple love and support.

It was one week ago when I made the decision to postpone competing.  The first couple of days it really didn't seem real.  But then I had one day where everything just kind of slammed into me and I wasn't prepared.  It was a tough day due to a combination of things and I just needed to let out my frustration.

Currently I am reversing back up in my calories with the guidance of Chris with GPS Coaching.  Our goal is to have me back up to my caloric intake I was at before I started the cut, which is 2800 calories.

My caloric intake was 1859 on low days and 1998 on high days.  Because I had such a big cut to my maintenance calories Chris had me make a good jump in calories.  I am now at 2405 on low days and 2590 on high days.  I am one that can always eat more food thankfully because it really put me back up there in calories!

This is definitely something that mentally could mess with someone.  I spent 14 weeks cutting and focusing on seeing the scale go down.  This is just part of the sport of bodybuilding and if it something you choose to do you must mentally prepare yourself for this process.  I saw continual progress so to stop that and go the reverse direction was momentarily tough for me.  Of course I completely understand the need to reverse my calories back up and I plan to maintain where I currently am on the scale.  I gained not a even a full pound back after the increase in my calories over a week and a half.  I was very happy with that and plan to keep cardio in my plan while eating more food.  My calories definitely need to be where they were before so that when I do compete again the cutting process will be that much better.

My body continues to remind me that I have made the right choice for myself.  Saturday night Kyle and I went to workout and I did deadlifts and squats.  I pulled 275# easily but still couldn't get 300# dang it!!!!  I did go all out to see what I can back squat and was able to do 170# for three reps pretty easily.  After that I was DONE.  Cramps were kicking in big time and my uterus was SWOLLEN.  When I started the workout I did not have a protruding stomach, afterwards this is what my tummy looked like....

These photos don't do it justice, I was so swollen and it was rock hard to the touch.  This happens a few times a month with heavier leg days when I am really engaging my core.  I always engage my core while exercising but those heavier leg days cause me to focus on that even more.  It takes a few days for the swelling to go down and it SUCKS.  My jeans I always wear won't button and I just feel miserable.

This seems to happen when my cycle is at the beginning.  My cycle would usually start around the 26th-28th of each month and my worst days are those first 10.  Now I haven't had a break in my cycle for the last 49 days but this is around when it would normally be the worst for me.

I know I will get better, I know things will improve I am just ready for that to happen NOW.  Mentally I kind of go to a mean place with myself and I have to be honest about that.  Right now I feel like this body isn't even mine and it is so incredibly frustrating.  Honestly, I wonder what it is going to feel like when I no longer have my uterus and therefore NO PERIOD!