The past couple of months have been.......mentally difficult. I am grateful that my daughter is happy and healthy, my husband is healing well from his recent back surgery, we have a home, our animals are awesome. There is an insanely exciting opportunity on the horizon for Kyle and myself. Work is going well, my life is filled with wonderful family and friends..
Yet here I sit in my trapped state of mind and body I don't recognize...
The past couple of months I have gotten back to running, it has been HARD. Breathing has been difficult, my body feels heavy and most times I want to quit. Running the race a few weeks ago with my brother was very much needed, we did have fun and I love spending time with him. Sand volleyball has started which we all know makes me incredibly happy.
So here I sit going back and forth between being active, half ass training for races, not cleaning up my eating and feeling like crap about myself because the weight stays on and I just feel like crap. I know, I know, pick yourself up, think positive, don't beat yourself up, you are not a failure....I've heard it all.
Life is filled with so many highs and lows. In my fitness life my high was competing, standing on stage with all of these beautiful women and working so damn hard for one of my biggest goals. I truly enjoyed it, I rebounded after my first competition but got right back at it.
I even inspired my nephew's wife to compete with me in my second competition and I became a sponsored athlete, another huge dream.
I have officially hit my fitness low, today in a single moment I completely broke down. A series of events led to this moment. How have I let myself go? How have do I continue to make choices that are not in my best interest? How are other moms who compete able to do it all?
Deep down I know the answers. I know there are more people out there other than myself who have either dealt with something similar, are currently dealing with it and those who are dealing with and have been through far worse. That is when the thinking of, damn it Steph get your shit together, consumes me.
It is going to be HARD over the next couple of months to truly get back into making healthier choices. Food really is a drug and an addiction, one I have to fight. Believe me I do enjoy healthy, whole foods and make them often for dinner, breakfast is normally great too. But during the day I will go through the drive through at lunch and on weekends I just eat whatever the heck I want. It has gotten to the point where I almost try to hide it.
So here we go world, this chick has lost too much of herself, gotten lost in the business of daily life, moping over who I have become and doing nothing about it. I know part of the reason for my lack of gym time is honestly feeling ashamed about how I look. No one has ever said anything but in my head I imagine people thinking, didn't she do figure competitions, wasn't she super fit, what happened to her?
The worst part is that I haven't spoken to anyone besides my very supportive, uplifting, loving husband. I know it hurts him to watch me act as I have and be so down on myself. My beautiful Bella has not seen this hurting side of me, for her I have kept it bottled up. In the end that can hurt your child, I realized that today as I picked her up from school. My eyes were swollen and red, I always have ugly cries and that is not something you can hide. Immediately her smile turned to a frown and the concern on her face was alarming.
She asked me what was wrong and in my head I couldn't figure out how to explain it to her. So I simply said, mommy is just a little frustrated today and needs to get back to who she is. I asked her if she understood what I meant and she said yes she also said she knows I am sad sometimes and she just wants me to be happy. I was wrong, even though I thought I was hiding it from her she still knew.
Yeah, ugly crying all over again.
So I decided to sit down and do something that makes me feel better, write and be honest. Man it really has helped, I'm not crying anymore and I really feel like I know what I need to do. Take my own damn advice I give everyone else! Take things day by day, do my runs for my half marathon training when I need to. Allow myself to be more free with weight training and Kosama, do whichever one I feel like each day. Get back to having fun with making foods I love in a much healthier way. Most importantly stop putting pressure on myself.
I have always been goal oriented, as in huge massive goals. It is time to keep with smaller goals and see where they take me. The stage will always be there if I choose to compete again and I do know there is no race to the finish line in life, even with fitness.
Anyone out there struggling please know that it truly happens to all of us. I need to work on ME in so many ways, so please take care of YOU.
Tomorrow I have a 10 mile run for my half marathon training and get to spend the afternoon with my entire AMAZING family. Sunday I get more family time and I get to play volleyball. In this moment I am feeling some relief and like I can find myself again.