The past couple of weeks I have had some lower back issues, I have not been doing cardio like I should. I have been on point with my nutrition and I was very happy on Saturday to have lost four pounds and 1.5% body fat!
Even with those happy numbers I still had a thought in the back of my head that I would not be ready like I want to be in time for the May competition. On Sunday during my training I tweaked my lower back and had to stop early. After stretching for quite a while we went to my husband's gym for posing practice. As I stood in front of him in my little volleyball shorts and bikini top I asked him the dreaded question. I told him to be 100% honest, then I asked if I would be ready by May 9th. He told me that unless I kill myself over the next six weeks I will not be ready, not how I want to be anyway.
It was a full on break down moment. I went into the restroom and cried for half an hour. In my head I was ripping myself apart, I was angry, disappointed and feared I would disappoint those who knew I planned to compete in May.
Then I pulled myself together and realized I was letting myself mentally go to a place I had always promised myself I wouldn't go. SELF HATE. I am a very fit woman, my upper body is exactly where we want it to be and do I need to work on my legs more to be a better ME than I was at my last competition? Yep and so what. There is no time limit on this, I can compete for as long as my body allows. I do not do this to prove anything to myself other than the fact that I can work hard and achieve what I want. I do not do it for the trophies or recognition, lets face it I am not a pro and the recognition I get is exactly who I want it from, my family and friends. Especially my husband, my coach.
He couldn't tell me enough how proud he is of me, especially for making this tough decision. We decided we would find a different competition for me to do this summer before the competition in my home town in October. I will be competing on July 25th in the INBA/PNBA North American Natural competition in Chicago. I am excited to compete in a different organization, away from home and to be in a bigger competition.
I will continue pushing hard and plan on bringing the best ME to that stage, then the hard work continues for my home town competition in October.
When I got home on Sunday and our beautiful daughter happily greeted us, she could tell by looking at me that I was feeling sad. She asked me why I was sad. I told her I just decided to wait to compete in July instead of in May and that it was making me a little sad because I was excited for the May competition. The only words I needed to hear were hers as she said, "it's ok mommy, you always work the hardest and do your best and are always the best mommy. We will have fun in July instead of May."
Aw honey. This made me sad to read, BUT the good news is that even though you're postponing the competition ever so slightly, you're still doing one and you're putting in a lot of hard work even if on the worst of days you think you're not and you're in a world of self-doubt.
ReplyDeleteI had a brutal day yesterday. A day of intense self-hate. I really wish to god I could turn it off. I've been self-hating I think since the day I was born and it's so simple to say "cheer up" or "try not to be so negative and wallowing in your self-hate and misery". When I'm feeling like this, I go to the deepest, darkest place and I'm horribly cruel to myself. I hate that I always go to this familiar place even though it's a destructive one.....
Anyways, it's a new day I guess. An opportunity to make today better than the last.
xox
It truly is difficult to fully get past self-hate. It has taken me years to get to the point I am at, breaking the habit of self-hate was extremely difficult.
ReplyDeleteIt IS possible though! Learning to truly love ourselves can be so challenging, it really shouldn't be though.
You are right it is a new day and we always have the opportunity to make each day better and to love ourselves more :)
xo
I try to be positive but honestly, it's like I gravitate towards negativity because it's familiar and in some sick way, it's comforting...?
ReplyDeleteI just wish it was as easy as flicking a switch, but alas, it is not. It's just so hard because I'm my worst critic and I've always had ridiculously high expectations for myself and I let myself down, it's literally the end of the world.
*sigh*
Happy Wednesday ;)