Thursday, January 30, 2014

Mental Stumble = 2 Rest Days

Before I begin, this post will not be my normal post about working out, rather about the toll your mental state can take on you.

Last night was a rough night at my house.  I have an adorable, strong willed, emotional little girl who I love with all of my heart.  Lately she has been testing her mommy.

Last night was a bit much, the words "I'm not happy mommy and it is because of YOU!", were enough to throw me over the edge.  I felt like crap, we battled and battled, this was all over something as simple as dinner.  I know kids get angry and say things, but I guess at age 7 I didn't expect to hear that I was making her unhappy already.

I am a very emotional person, Bella is exactly like me in that sense.  So many times I think to myself, why couldn't she have taken after her dad a bit more with his calmer emotions?  Instead poor Kyle (and my father-in-law) are stuck with two girls who are extremely emotional and have big tempers.

I love Bella more than life itself, she is my everything, I would give anything to make her happy and give her a good life.  However, I am also not one to put up with rude behavior and snotty attitudes.  

I proved to myself and Bella last night that I will stick to my guns.  I wanted to give in so many times but knew I couldn't, even if it would have been easier, because she would learn nothing other than that if she holds out long enough I will cave.

In the end she spent quite a while in her room, I cried with Kyle over me feeling like a horrible mother.  Not understanding why over the past couple of weeks she and I have been having issues.  I started wondering, is she acting out because I've been going to the gym at night?  Is she mad that on the weekends I am away for a couple of hours at the gym am I a bad mother because I haven't been going to the gym at 4:30am??  Kyle tried to reassure me that I am not a bad mother and I am doing nothing "wrong".

Bella came out of her room wrapped in a blanket, sat by Kyle and let us finish what we were talking about and then she apologized.  I told her to come sit on my lap and she did, we just sat there hugging for quite a while.  She told me she was very sorry and doesn't know why she sometimes can't control her emotions and gets so angry.  I told her she is seven and it takes time to learn how to control your emotions, even I still have issues with that.  I asked her if there was anything I could do better to be a better mommy to her and she said no.  

Out of my guilt I told her that I would be starting to really try to start going to the gym in the morning instead of at night.  Right away she told me that she doesn't mind it that I go to the gym, it is important for me to do that.  She really is proud of me for working so hard to achieve my goals, she made sure I knew that last night.

So I didn't make it to the gym last night, I let myself get so far beyond stressed out, it was ridiculous.  I even had heart flutters, it has been over a year since that has happened.  Just proves how much your mental state can impact you physically, being upset with myself for allowing myself to get so worked up didn't help either.

I did feel better after Bella and I talked, I know last night was just one of those moments that will occur in life and I have to deal with it better.  Rather than sitting and sulking, I should have gotten up and headed to the gym to get away so Bella could cool off and I could too.

To make myself feel even better I had Kyle measure my shoulders and thighs, we'll do all of my measurements on Saturday.  So my shoulders have grown about two inches and so have my thighs!!!  I knew I looked broader and who would think I would be excited about bigger thighs?!?  I really am growing, proof is in the measurements :)

On to a happy day today, a true rest day and Bella has dance tonight and I get to hang out with my niece Lauryn.  It's going to be a good day!

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